I think I’m at a lost again. Back to the awkward drawing board of staring into an empty space of not being sure what to cook. What do I cook? Would they like it? What is it that they want? 

Being a new Wife and all, staying at my in-laws and in the midst of trying to lead a healthy living by eating more green produce, it seems I’m in this void again unsure of myself. 

Simply put, I lost my confidence again. I think I lose it every week. Long story there… 

Bigbear just told me he’s hungry and I never feed him. I freeze up like an ice cube. Mind is churning with empty recipes, guilt churning and stress all circulating in that big ice box that I’ve become. 

I have no clue what to cook for him. 

What the hell is wrong with me… it’s just food! And I become a frozen deer about to be attacked by a lion. I run through in my head what I can cook, what I am capable of cooking. Seconds, minutes went by and nothing. 

See lah. What my Mother said had just come true. 

“Aku masak takde satu pun yang nak tolong. Semua masuk bilik. Nanti kau dah kahwin padan muka kau tak tahu masak.” 
– she basically said when I’m cooking everyone runs to the room instead of helping. When you get married, serve you right cos you don’t know how to cook.

I sat quietly running through this in my head. Depression begins to set in. I’m such a failure… 

I turn to BigBear and asks him what he wants to eat. 

Dread filling my stomach as I know I can never be the wife who does awesome dishes for her husband.